17 November, 2012
To My Wife, on her birthday, a love letter
Happy Birthday, Kristie
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To she who has been my companion throughout the years,
I love you.
Others say "To my dearest ____, you are the most wonderful wife/husband/mate/F-buddy in the whole wide world!", but they are wrong.
Their mates are whores, a-holes, douche bags, pricks, meanies, compared to you. On Facebook, they profess thanks, to God, for having the presence of their loved one, bestowed upon them, when in actuality, God had been busy elsewhere, when the couple hooked up, and like in Bryan Singer's 'Superman Returns' movie, when Superman had been off on a mission to [the blown up?] Krypton, and returns to Earth, to find some very boring, nondescript, vanilla dude had been bangin' his old lady, proclaims "WTF?!".
They think they've got it great, but they don’t.
Compared to being with you, they might as well be living in a Pearl Jam song.
They've settled. "This person is so great," they think, yet everyone - especially their parents and college friends - knows better, wondering how they could have chosen such a tool.
So, thank you for, via your very existence in the universe, and my life, for making it easy for me to see how everyone else’s relationships really suck. I don't cry for them, because I really don't care, having no horse in their race, but I do enjoy my life all the more, knowing mine is so much better than theirs (even if they are ignorant of that), because of you.
Others close their eyes and think of Ryan Gosling, or Scarlett Johansson, or that guy from Mad Men, or a cheerleader, but I don't have to do that, cuz I've got you, not being saddled with someone I met in a bar, back in the day, to whom I got hitched because I had nothing better to do, and I was getting old, and what the heck.